Sunday, 6 November 2016

Fear of Failures - Atychiphobia

I have been a studious girl in my childhood. And because of my deep interest in studies, I always secured good marks and ranks during my school days. From class 6th to 10th, continuous five years I secured the first rank in my class. Although class 10th board exam results were the first taste of failure for me when I was at fifth position in terms of overall marks percentage. Apart from studies, I was also active in other activities like debate, essay writing, and singing. I used to take part in various inter-school competitions and luckily I always got a prize, if not always first then either second or third for sure. My house of was full of trophies and medals. This success had made me a popular kid among parents of my classmates. My father used to feel very proud of me as I used to succeed in every test where I appeared till class 10th. And with success come the fear of losing it. Slowly I started hating failures. I wished to win all the time. I only wanted fame and recognition so if once or twice I didn’t get any prizes, I used to feel awful.

My 10th board exams were the first time when I was behind four girls of my class. After knowing the percentage of marks, I closed myself in a room and for next few hours, I cried badly. I was not ready to accept my defeat. But somehow my parents convinced me to look forward towards next two years of my studies. I had to change my school for these two years, class 11th and 12th and the new school was a government one. There were more than 200 girls in my class. As my half yearly exams of class 11th came close, I started thinking about my rank in the class after these exams. I wanted to stand in top three and I worked hard for it. Finally, results came out and I got the third rank in my class. When my name was announced in school assembly, all new girls of my class started making noise for cheering me up. They all wanted to shake hands with me. After a fall I was again on top of the world.  And again my journey of success continued till my post graduation final semester. I got the second rank in college in my graduation course. Post graduation was a professional course and was a completely new field for me.  Yet after first two semesters, I was in top three students of the batch. With each of these achievements, my hatred for falling down kept on increasing. Now the time came when I started appearing in recruitment test as I was in the final semester of my professional course. And my success story suddenly changed from that time.

I appeared in more than 10 recruitment drives but I couldn't clear any of them. In many of these on campus and off campus tests,  I was able to clear the written test but I failed in further rounds. I was failing constantly everywhere. I had passed my professional course with good marks and third rank in batch but I had no job in my hands. Whereas many of my batch mates had more than one offers in hand. As I was not having any good company offer, I joined a very small company and there I worked for more than two years. The environment of the company was not at all woman friendly but I had no other option. In these two years, I appeared in many interviews and tests for switching the job but my bad luck never lets me succeed in any of them. With so many failures, I had a new type of fear in me, fear of getting a lemon from my life. I was preparing for government exams along with my job but more than thinking about clearing it, I used to think about losing it. I was negative and hopeless. I even stopped giving interviews and test thinking I had enough success in my childhood and now was the time of getting flop everywhere. This fear of failure was so deep in my mind that I used to avoid my friends and relatives. I had fear of their question about my job and career.  I had no hope for my future and I was scared of my life’s checkmate.   

After two and half years, I changed my job which I was not liking at all. The new company was a lot better place to work. Slowly people started recognizing my work and talent. My managers started appreciating my involvement in other team activities. And again the graph of success started getting better for me. I was getting good appraisals, I was promoted well. But I was a changed person by then. I had understood that success and failure are two faces of a coin. If  a person is getting success today, he might get fail tomorrow. But we should not fear of failures. Failures give a person chance to learn and  improve oneself . I had understood that without failure we can’t understand the value of success.

Those few difficult years of my life gave me an insight towards living the life happily and without fear. I now take part in various activities and competitions but I don’t think much about failing in it. Sometimes I win and sometimes I fail. However, I remain optimistic and focus on giving my best. I have understood well that the greatest barrier to success is fear of failure. And I no more fear of any kind of failures in life.

‘This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.’